petcerparker:

marvel characters as john mulaney quotes

tony: i’ll keep all my emotions right here. and then one day, i’ll die.

steve: i don’t care for these new nazis and you may quote me on that.

thor: you know those days where you’re like, “this might as well happen”?

bruce: my vibe is more like, “hey you could probably pour soup in my lap and i’ll apologize to you.”

natasha: sometimes babies will point at me and i don’t care for that shit at all.

clint: everyone get out of my way! i just want to sit here and feed my birds.

peter p: i have had a very long day. i am very small. and i have no money. so you can imagine the kind of stress that i am under. 

sam: something happened here. you hope it’s a miracle, but probably not.

bucky: when i’m walking down the street, no ones ever like, ‘hey look at that man.’ i think they’re just like “woah! that tall child looks terrible! get some rest, tall child! you can’t keep burning the candle at both ends!” 

peter q: like, we would just go see movies. any movie. like back to the future. that was a movie everyone could see. kids could kinda see it. great movie, right? i rewatched it recently. it’s a very weird movie. marty mcfly is a 17-year-old high school student whose best friend is a disgraced nuclear physicist. and, i shit you not, they never explain how they became friends. they never explain it. not even in a lazy way, like, “hey, remember when we met in the science building?” they don’t even do that. and we were all fine with it.

gamora: some people give off a vibe of, right away, they’re like, “do not fuck with me.”

drax: and then i said “no.” you know, like a liar.

t’challa: you have the moral backbone of a chocolate eclair.