Service Offered: Professional Third Wheel

twangcat:

glumshoe:

sularae:

darthvictoriana:

sularae:

glumshoe:

glumshoe:

sewickedthread:

glumshoe:

Unwanted suitors? Not sure if you’re on a date? Too nice to turn him down? I can help! With nearly four years of experience sabotaging romantic encounters, I’m the uncomfortable silence you deserve… and now, I’m offering my services professionally. 

Bring me along as a platonic bufferzone on unwanted or ambiguous dates with suitors you’re not interested in but don’t know how to turn down. Guaranteed to kill the mood or your money back!

Basic services include: Terrible puns, poorly-timed jokes, casual physical displays of affection, bringing up unappealing facts about you (to be established or fabricated ahead of time), including myself in attempts at cuddling, domineering the conversation, irritating laughter, talking about I may have finally found an apartment for rent that’s big enough to house all of your cats, subtly making remarks about how nice it is that you’ve made a new friend. 

More advanced services: Creating diversions (available at tiers 1, 2, and 3; examples include pouring water over my head, impromptu hula dancing, and  triggering alarms), intimate displays of physical affection, accidentally spilling drinks on your suitor’s clothing, laughing at everything your suitor says while drinking until I manage to time it so that water comes out of my nose and sprays onto them. 

 Package deals: 

• The Gay Best Friend: What it sounds like. Because this persona runs the risk of stereotype and exploitation, I prefer to keep this subtle. Willing to engage in mild flirtation with your suitor. Please use discretion when requesting this service; the intention is to make him realize that your feelings towards him are platonic. Do not even consider this package if he is aggressively homophobic. 
• The Imposing Older Brother: I scowl, smirk, and huff judgmentally. Comes in two flavors: the Violent Ex-Con and the Insufferable Elitist. Can flex my physical or intellectual muscles as needed. 
• The Irritating Younger Brother: I bring a gaming device along, snicker rudely and roll my eyes whenever he speaks, complain about the time, chew with my mouth open, shrug indifferently, prop my sneakers on his chair, wipe my nose on my hand, and bluntly interrupt the conversation whenever it strays out of your comfort zone. 
• The Priest: Why the heck would you bring your priest on a date?! I don’t know, and neither will your suitor! Obfuscate them into backing off. If that doesn’t work, I will recite dry Biblical passages until they are driven away by crushing boredom or fear of Hell. 
• The Son from The Future: Depending on the age difference, I can also pose as your Son from the Current Era. Will dress in conspicuously unusual clothing (ex. holographic baseball cap, life preserver, roller skates, VISOR-like sunglasses), continuously ask for the date and time, and anxiously mutter about how it’s almost time for you to ditch this place and meet my father for the first time.
• The Enslaved Zombie Ex-Boyfriend: I don milky, semi-opaque contact lenses and follow you around mindlessly, with jerky, unnatural movements. I am at your beck and call, controlled from beyond the grave by your occult powers – the fate of all the boyfriends who displease you.  
• The Demon Prince: I wear a stylish fawn suit, soft kidskin gloves, and silver cuff-links etched with strange symbols. I have a ring or a cane decorated with the head of a ram. I say little, but smile often. Now and then, I pull out a little silver hourglass from a chain around my neck and examine it, tapping my foot, my fingers, or my cane impatiently. I adopt a curious and subtle accent and ask him to appraise his immortal soul. I carry a sleek briefcase rigged to emit a bright light if I crack it open a hair. Optional: I carry a cube of sulfur in my pocket for the smell.
• The Mulder: A proven classic. I periodically derail the conversation with crackpot conspiracy theories, the nature of reality, extraterrestrial intelligence, and ESP. May accuse your suitor of being a Reptilian, or demand that they feel the scar where I had an alien implant removed. Insist that we change tables because this one is bugged and we are under surveillance by the secret shadow government.    
• The Fiance You Thought Was Lost at Sea: I burst through the door, dripping wet, with barnacle-encrusted clothing and a crab dangling from my ear lobe. I’ll smell of brine and have a haunted look in my eye. This will require some acting skills from you; you’ll need to throw yourself sobbing into my arms and cry, “I thought I’d lost you!” and I’ll hold you and mutter something about Davy Jones getting ahead of himself.  
• Other: I am happy to work with you to develop a persona specific to your unique needs and preferences. 

Rates: Sliding scale, determined by me on a case-by-case basis. I want to make my services available to all who need them. Factors such as the relative heinousness of suitor is considered; affluent clients can generally expect to pay more as likelihood of physical or spiritual harm increases. For swanky dates in nice locations with minimal levels of danger, I typically ask only that you cover the cost of my meal, entrance fees, transportation, and other expenses.

IMPORTANT:
Although I am prepared to deal with any number of eventualities, I am not a professional: bodyguard, assassin, exorcist, crocodile hunter, or escort. If you expect that any of these services will become necessary, I am happy to put you in touch with a specialist. ADDITIONALLY: If your suitor is non-human, please be upfront with this so that we can plan accordingly. We do not want a repeat of the events of Halloween 2012.

ADDENDUM 2014: I reserve the right to terminate our deal at any time. This is a exclusively a professional relationship, and any physical or romantic affection we may share may be considered performance and unrelated to my personal feelings.
ADDENDUM 2015: If you are trying to orchestrate a set-up because you get off on watching your significant other jealously beat the crap out of perceived rivals, fuck you. Vengeance will be swift.

Where was this person in college? And does he have a woman colleague who will pose as my jealous ex-girlfriend? Or jealous potential girlfriend? Or daughter from the future? Judgmental older sister? Pesky younger sister?

Good news! I have expanded my repertoire of roles and now offer package deals in the gender of your choosing. The selections are still in development, but you may choose from:

• Vodka Aunt: I carry around a stack of stolen SkyMall magazines, interrupting conversations with your date to point out funny products. I constantly bring up your mother (or father) and talk about all the unfortunate behaviors that run in our family. I force your date to look at albums of blurry cat photos on my phone and talk about unpleasant surgeries I’ve had to remove cysts. I can’t speak for more than a sentence without touching your arm.
• Territorial Werewolf Park Ranger: Exactly what it sounds like. I’m a no-nonsense federal employee with a distrust of strangers and strong opinions on ranchers.
• Your Dying Wife Who Is Lovingly Helping You To Select Her Replacement: I’m not long for this world, but I can’t leave you to face the rest of your life alone! You need someone to look after you. Someone who meets my impossibly high standards. I am smiling the whole time, but tears twinkle in the corners of my eyes, and my lip trembles a little when I interrogate her about her personal habits, measurements, favorite media, and aspirations. I have her try on my wedding ring, just in case. 
• The Possessive Older Sister: I sit with my arms crossed over my chest, aggressively popping bubble gum while I stare you down. I clear my throat to ask why she thinks she deserves you if she hasn’t even seen the right animes.

Note: these packages are still in development and may be a little rough around the edges, so they will temporarily be offered at a 15% discount from normal rates. The original packages are available in distaff versions for the same price. 

I am delighted to announce three exciting new packages for 2018! These are specially-crafted 

• Android Sent From The Future To Prevent You From Getting Laid: You read that right. Violence attracts unwanted attention and continuously replacing assassin androids is expensive, so Skynet is trying something a little more subtle than big, bulky Terminators: Contraceptors. Don’t let its slight build deceive you – the Contraceptor is relentless and is armed to the teeth with unpleasant facts about conception, childbirth, and sexual intercourse, and completely lacks human inhibitions about discussing them openly at the dinner table. I follow you around in character as your robot chaperone and disrupt any flirtatious behavior, declaring that I cannot allow you to pass on your genetic material to an offspring under any circumstances and have been programmed to identify “risky behavior” and, if necessary, use lethal force. (Note: although this package was designed with heterosexual cis women in mind, it can be tweaked according to your needs. Please allow extra preparation time before date if you wish me to apply prosthetic features or extensive makeup. I reserve the right to claim “First Law prohibitions” in order to get out of actually fighting your suitor.)
• The Private Detective: Best for traditional restaurant dinner dates, but, as always, I am willing to work with you to best accommodate your needs. You and your date sit down at a table. A moment later, I emerge from the shadows, all trench coat and fedora. Your date thought this was a romantic evening out? Wrong. This is an interrogation. I order whiskey with gin in it and eat a cigarette. Allow advanced warning so that I can arrange to have a table illuminated from a single source of light behind Venetian blinds and prepare a grim monologue about corruption and The City before I start asking your suitor weird personal questions, observing them closely, and commenting about their physical mannerisms. You don’t have to do anything during this date except look nervous and a little guilty, which probably won’t require acting. 
• The Sworn Shield-Maiden: I am bound by honor and blood-oath to serve you loyally, til death do us part or until you dismiss me from your service in disgrace. I refer to you as ‘My Lady’, ‘My Lord’, or a gender-neutral title (Note: absolutely NOT ‘Master’) and act as your suspicious bodyguard. I will refuse to leave your side under any circumstances and will display a deliriously devoted and overblown chivalry that your date cannot hope to compete with. Should your date reach to touch you, I will seize their wrist and fiercely inform them that I will cut off the hand of anyone who touches you without your permission. I will only respond to commands from you and, if desired, will demand that your date consent to be frisked before being allowed in your presence. I will also insist on poison-testing your food and drink before permitting you to consume them (with GBH and Ketamine test strips first).  

😂😂😂

Tag yourself, I’m Vodka Aunt.

Territorial Werewolf Park Ranger: Obviously.

For an extra cash installment (the ABO Premium Package) I will pretend to be either your destined alpha or omega mate and go into heat/rut right there in the restaurant (thereby obligating you to sweep me away and ‘help’ me).

Let It Be Known That Tumblr User Sularae’s Third Wheel Business is IN NO WAY AFFILIATED With My Own. Do Not Be Deceived By Copycats! This Is Not A Service I Will Provide Under Any Circumstances Oh My Goodness.  

Okay, but what if Coulson approached Natasha and she wasn’t sure why so she brought Clint along to do the “gay best friend” thing and Phil was totally charmed by his flirting?