Category: Uncategorized

skwinky:

lntruding:

Have you ever been to earth?

On earth, we use the word “burrito” to describe a tortilla filled with things you eat. Pretty simple stuff, and I’m surprised you at least got that part right. My burrito was, in fact, filled with food. In this, you and I agree and are friends. But this is also where my lifelong hatred begins for you and anyone else whose brain has been repeatedly scrubbed with the same mixture of bleach and Pop Rocks as yours has. Because that should have killed you, but left you around long enough to do what you did to me today. Let me explain:

You’re an idiot.

Let me further explain:

Burritos are eaten from one end to the other. So that means when you assemble a burrito with motherfucking ZONES of ingredients going that direction, you create a disgusting experience for the burrito’s end user. When you make a burrito, you should put the ingredients in layerslengthwise. That way, every bite has AT LEAST A FUCKING CHANCE of getting at least two types of ingredients, and there is little chance of becoming almost hopelessly trapped in a goddamned cilantro cavern.

Have you ever eaten one of the things you make all fucking day? You should try one. They are pretty good WHEN YOU ARE NOT WILLING YOURSELF THROUGH THE FUCKING EMPIRE OF SOUR CREAM ONLY TO END UP IN LETTUCE COUNTRY.

When you eat a burrito, you don’t stand it up and bite down on it lengthwise like a fucking Rancor. Humans can’t usually dislocate their jaws, and I’m not a fucking pelican. But you must think that’s how it’s done, since that would be THE ONLY FUCKING WAY to take a bite of your crapstrosity and have it taste like a burrito.

And guess what else, player? You probably can’t guess anything, because I’m pretty sure you’re just a mop with a hat on it that fell over and spilled some shit into a tortilla, but just in case, here’s what:

Humans also don’t eat burritos like fucking corn on the cob. Like a fucking typewriter from one end to the other a little at a time and then DING next line. But today I wish I had tried that. Because at least THEN I would be able to eat some rice, then beans, then be all like HEY BEANS I’LL BE RIGHT BACK JUST GOING OVER HERE TO THE GUACAMOLE FOR A SECOND.

Nope.

My experience was more like HEY BEANS IT’S JUST GOING TO BE YOU AND I FOR A MINUTE UNTIL I CAN FUCKING EXCAVATE THE RICE FROM BENEATH YOU BUT BY THEN YOU WILL BE A FADING MEMORY OH HEY I WAS WRONG I’M IN THE FUCKING CHEESEOSPHERE NOW RICE MUST BE NEXT I HOPE IT’S NOT ANOTHER FUCKING SALSA POCKET.

You built this thing like a fucking pack of LifeSavers.

And don’t even fucking think I’m about to open this shit up and re-engineer your nonsense 90 degrees. I ALREADY PUT A HOLE IN IT WITH MY FUCKING MOUTH. YEAH. THAT’S HOW I DISCOVERED YOU FUCKING SUCK AT LOOKING AT THINGS. I AM NOT GOING TO DO FUCKING TORTILLA ORIGAMI TO GET THIS SHIT BACK TOGETHER, ONLY TO END UP WITH A BURRITO THAT’S BEEN SHOT IN THE GUT AND IS BLEEDING YOUR INEPTITUDE.

What’s that? I should ask you to mix it up first next time? IS THIS JAMBA JUICE? I DON’T WANT TO DRINK MY FUCKING BURRITO THROUGH A BENDY STRAW, AND I DON’T WANT A PILE OF BURRITO SOUP IN A FLOUR CAN.

I just want a burrito.

In conclusion:

You’re the worst thing that has ever happened to the universe, you owe everyone everywhere an apology for this burritobomination, and I hope your babies look like monkeys.

UPDATE FOR EVERYONE WHO SAID “JUST EAT IT WITH A FORK”:

A fucking fork?

I DIDN’T ORDER THE FUCKING COBBURRITO SALAD.

If anyone ever handed me a burrito with a fork, THEY WOULD BE WEARING A BRAND NEW BURRITO HAT FROM MY FALL COLLECTION TEN SECONDS LATER.

That’s like buying a car and having them hand you a fucking wrench with the keys. Like YEAH WE KNOW THIS MOTHERFUCKER’S GOING TO EXPLODE AND BE SPREAD ACROSS EIGHT LANES AS SOON AS YOU HIT THE GAS, BUT SHIT, WE GAVE YOU A WRENCH, SO BE COOL.

Jesus already gave me two burrito forks. One at the end of each arm. They’re called fucking HANDS.

A fork. My god. I haven’t cried since I was six, but I’m fucking sobbing now.

People eat burritos with forks?

God is sorry he made us.

(Source)

I always need this on my blog.

angrynebula:

brunhiddensmusings:

lady-violaceous:

lyrangalia:

oakumura:

gnarly-art:

Lilo and Stitch presenting an accurate representation of Hawaiians perspective on luaus held by tourists. 

#what’s sad about this is that this is actually what Hawaiians had to do when the western culture took over #a luau was a sacred practice #until the westerners took the concept and had the audacity to change it into a time to stuff your face with food and put on grass skirts and coconut bras and dance the hula #and when they had these events, they didn’t even let actual Hawaiian people in #so to make money to take care of themselves, the Hawaiians were hired to work in these disgraceful events to clean up after the tourists like slaves only to make less than a buck #so good job disney for doing your fucking research and educating these people #sadly, this still goes on even until today and it makes me sick

“good job disney” my ass, good job CHRIS SANDERS

Let’s not credit just Chris Sanders for this. This happened because they cast actual Hawaiian Actors like Tia Carrere and Jason Scott Lee to play Hawaiian characters, and allowed the actors to have input into writing the characters’ lines. 

This sort of authenticity comes from accuracy and authenticity in casting choices. The fact that Chris Sanders as direct/writer facilitated that does not mean he gets credit for the actors’ experience.

This is why diversity and representation in media matters.

Dude as a hawaiian, this is like straight up what my life as a kid was. My mom worked at those fakey luaus full time to pay rent. My mom is someone who is absolutely passionate and proud about being a hawaiian, living and teaching the ways our ancestors lived and taught.

See, we Hawaiians, we live by the way of aloha. And not by the way of “hello” “goodbye”, let me educate you. As Pono Shim, CEO and President of Enterprise Honolulu, the Oahu Economic Development Board, states absolutely perfectly “aloha is to be in the presence of life, to share the essence of one’s being with openness, honesty, and humility. It is a way of being, a way of behaving, a way of life. It is a commitment to accepting others and giving dignity to who they are and what they have to offer.” Aloha is more than hello and goodbye. Think of aloha as an abbreviation.

Akahai: meaning kindness
Lokahi: meaning unity
Olu’Olu’: meaning agreeableness
Ha’aha’a: meaning humility
Ahonui: meaning patience

This is something we all need to live by, seriously, we all should

the dropped sub-plot was that lilo hated tourists, which is why she goes around taking pictures of them like they were attractions instead of people; like how they took photos of locals

similarly there was a deleted scene where she scares tourists off of a beach by sounding a false tsunami siren to watch them run screaming

deeper in the lore that kid thats a prick to her, mertyle, is the daughter of the person who runs the megamart and crushed a lot of other local businesses- when they have to do a hula to tell a story mertyle actually uses it to describe the low prices, where lilo does a hula about a traditional creation myth that was important to her mother. you may notice both lilo and nani are on first name basis with both the coffee shop owner and the fruitseller, there is big disparity between the locals and foreign interest businesses relegating them to just be tourist industry

friendly reminder that lilo & stitch is indisputably the best disney film