jumpingjacktrash:

crazy-pages:

hornygold:

spoiledchestnut:

Alien: You shouldn’t eat that.

Human: What?

Alien: That thing. Don’t you know it’s extremely acidic? Enough to cause eventual deterioration of your flesh?

Human: ….it’s a fucking pineapple.

Alien: But that thing contains bromelain, it’ll destroy your body’s proteins!

Human: Not if I digest the bromelain first.

Alien: Humans are insane!

“Not if I digest it first” is an official human motto, in close competition with “not if I pet it first”.

alien: WHY ARE YOU EATING THAT IT LITERALLY CAUSES YOU EXCRUCIATING PAIN

human: but they stuffed it with cheese and deep fried it

alien: WOULD YOU EAT A HAND GRENADE IF IT WAS DEEP FRIED

human: is this a trick question

mood: still not over that fanfiction i read 3 years ago

voldemortandco:

zubat:

Blood is thicker than water but maple syrup is thicker than blood so technically pancakes are more important than family.

are you canadian

walkinginlothlorien:

heythisisbecky:

The most unrealistic thing about Hogwarts is there is no overt petty drama?? There are like 5 kids per year who have to live together for SEVEN YEARS and they can do MAGIC. You can’t tell me the muffliato charm wasn’t used to talk mad shit about people. How many witches hexed their best friend’s dress robes to always be one size too small because they were fighting? And you expect me to believe that people ACTUALLY stayed in bed during curfew instead of flying through the Scottish highlands? Also the castle is designed to ruin your fucking life. Can you imagine being drunk on the moving staircases?? That’s an entire mythology of student stories in and of itself. I’m just saying, when I was in high school someone locked and duct taped a car alarm into a locker and then set it off for two hours straight and I’m 95% sure he wasn’t even a wizard

I love how literally 99% of the comments on this post are like “Yeah but it’s written from Harry’s perspective and boy is fuckin stupid”

malvoliowithin:

• Crossdress and become their servant
• SHITTY LOVE POEMS ALL OVER THE FUCKING WOODS. SHITTY LOVE POEMS EVERYWHERE
• Crash their dad’s party and idk kiss them a little and then break into their backyard like a weirdo
• Attempt to learn French. Admit you don’t know French. 
• Become king. Threaten to steal their land
• Get your goblin friend to make them fall in love with a donkey and then break the curse you’re welcome
• Chess
• Pretend to die for fifteen years and then turn into a statue and reincarnate
• Kill their spouse, father, father in law, and then show up at a funeral and blame them for being too hot
• Imprison their brother for a petty crime and threaten to kill him
• Tell stories about your brave deeds. Also, handkerchiefs.
• Play “find the box with my portrait in it”
• Yellow cross gartered stockings
• Have their uncle flirt with them for you heck yeah
• Start shit with the Pope so you can get a divorce
• Save the king from illness with your Mad Doctoring Skills and then get him to force them to marry you
• Act like Russians
• Pretend to be jewelry and sneak into their bedroom like a creep
• Kill Claudio